Sigh…

It’s been a long time. Not really sure why I’m writing this other than to post some thoughts and feelings. I don’t think anyone will see this post and honestly that’s just fine. I’m sitting at the bar in a Chili’s restaurant. I told my wife I was going out for a ride. Nothing like a nice day, a depressed attitude and a motorcycle ride to turn me introspective. Things have been rough at home the last while. I say while because that’s longer than a few months but less than a year. So, a while. I think at this point, we’re ok. And things have been ok. But that seems to change quickly. Tonight I was stressed out and couldn’t find a way to relax so I hopped on the Harely and headed out, without a plan. And here I am.

I just turned 43 this last week. That doesn’t really mean anything to me but I do find myself contemplating life and what I’m doing. Which isn’t much. I am burned out. I essentially quit mountain biking. I don’t know why. I guess I got tired of the pressure. The pressure to perform, keep in shape, progess in skills and justify my lack of all of these to people who didn’t really care. So I quit. I haven’t ridden a bike in months. I’m sure I will again, but only by myself and on my own terms.

I took up Jeeping and offroading with my wife soon after I got back from my cross country trip. It’s a lot of fun but it’s a very expensive hobby. I really need to dial that back.

So here I am. Lost at a Chili’s. I’m still the same. Frustrated with my life and barely getting by. I haven’t really made many changes and I still feel alone most of the time.

Sorry for the random update.

21 thoughts on “Sigh…”

  1. Brother, you’re never alone. There’s plenty of us out here that ponder the same, struggle from time to time, and are left contemplating just like you. Wind therapy is good, most times great. Being ok is just that…. ok. No one expects you to ever be perfect so don’t get wrapped up in it. I personally read your blog when you took your ride and I wished I could have met up for a leg of it. If you ever need to bounce things off someone, there are several of us out here willing to listen.

    Since you’re at Chili’s you might as well have a snack, take a breath, and just be you for a moment. No expectation, just exist.

    You got this!

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  2. Hey man. Thought about you on several occasions after you finished up your ride. Maybe your ready for another trip on Ox. Stretch out your soul on the back roads of America again?
    Offering an ear should you need one. I’m heading to Sturgis this year. Have you got any ride planned?
    Rick

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  3. Jake,
    You’re not alone. Hang in there. It sounds like you’re doing your best to keep your relationship going with your wife. Keep it up. It’s worth it. It has been for me and my wife. Perhaps there is something else you need to focus on after mountain biking. What could it be? You probably don’t remember me, but I remember going back with someone else to find you on a snowshoe hike in the Wasatch mountains. You fell into a tree hole in the snow and finally worked your way out when we got there. Good job working yourself out, but we weren’t going to leave you. Not then, not now. I was good friends with your Grandpa Merrill and Grandma Joan. They really loved you and told me that all the time. Your Grandpa Merrill had challenging experiences in World War II and told me about them. You’ve had your challenges in the Army too. Merrill said his best day in the war was accidentally meeting up with his brother in the Philippines. Just like Merrill, you have family that really love you and friends who look for you.

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  4. Thank you for posting Jake. Been thinking about you and was hoping things were working out for you. Don’t give up the fight no matter how tired you got of it. There are a lot of people who care about you and want the best for you. I pray you find the peace you seek.

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    1. Jake, we’re still listening and still care. And the fact that you posted leads me to believe you still care too. You’ve got this…one day at a time. No pressure. No expectations. We’re here for you.

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  5. We are reading and we are loving. I know who you are and you’re more powerful and good than you know. All of these things can give you experience. Hang in there, hang on. Love you

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  6. Good to hear from you Jake. I followed your trip and wondered how things came out. I had a big set back too. They replaced both my knees which screwed up my riding
    But not for long because I have to have my wind therapy. So I bought a new Can-Am and that took care of that then my wife passed away unexpectedly which threw me back. I will win this battle. I know that you will be OK. As you have many people that care for you
    And your CVMA Brothers are there too. Good to hear from you. If you ever get around Bremerton just give me a yell

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  7. I’m right there with you man…really.
    Mike Nelson 801.941.0489
    On Sat, Feb 8, 2020, 18:22 PTSD and a Motorcycle wrote:
    > Jake Weber posted: ” It’s been a long time. Not really sure why I’m > writing this other than to post some thoughts and feelings. I don’t think > anyone will see this post and honestly that’s just fine. I’m sitting at the > bar in a Chili’s restaurant. I told my wife I was going o” >

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  8. Im not happy that your still sad brother. I am happy your still fighting the fight each day. If you need someone to talk to, yell at or whatever I am here. You have my number, please know im always here if you need anything. IGY6

    Monky

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  9. I read your thoughts. I’m not sure I have anything too valuble to say, but, I have been in your shoes to some extent. It’s tough no doubt. I think the trick is to find gratitude in the things we do have in our lives and find the things that bring us joy. Our families can be supportive as we open up to them- but, I know that isn’t always easy or even wanted…at least, I’ve been there. I love that you use the outlet of writing to sort out your feelings…good for you. I am sad to hear you have given up mountain biking for a time – you are great at it, but I understand your feelings and will validate them. Just keep moving forward in the things that bring joy and know you have a group of people that stand beside you, Jake. We believe in you and keep routing for you to find all the joy and happiness. Hugs to you, friend.

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  10. jake…its good to see you posting again. im sorry that youre in a down place. but you can, and will get up out of that place. im confident that you will. keep writing, and riding. its good for you. we’re all still here.
    dave

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  11. Sorry just don’t give up, we just keep fighting Sent via the Samsung Galaxy S10e, an AT&T 5G Evolution capable smartphone

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  12. Jake,

    Hang in there buddy, you are never alone. friends are just a phone call away. By the way, happy belated Birthday! Man your getting old! I do enjoy your posts, you have such a way with words that pulls me into your story. I miss your posts on Facebook, I don’t get on there very often, but did enjoy your jeeping stories. that I envy, what a wonderful hobby, expensive yes, but nice to do. Megans jeep Koda, is nicely done! (I envy that too)

    Sorry to hear that Mountain biking is not fun any more, that is still my escape and therapy. Yes I like the workout it provides, but it is my therapy. I should be down in a couple of weeks for a little riding, you’re more than welcome to join us, I was thinking Guacamole and also, maybe Little Creek Mesa. I will be bringing Easton with me, he has not done that one yet.

    Enjoy the ride! Love ya man!

    Troy

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  14. Jake,

    I just finished reading your entire blog from beginning to end. To be honest, it was a struggle to continue on reading. I would be hoping the next day’s post would reveal you had a “good” day, but many times it would not. Even for a stranger on the internet, your struggles are soul crushing. You have to work so hard at the things so many of us take for granted. Yet, amidst all of that, you have built a great and supportive family. You drew strangers from the internet into your real life, and shared with them. To this day, having met you, they continue to support you. That is something amazing. Having read your entire story in a short amount of time, one pattern seems to stick out. Perhaps it’s just because you didn’t post your true feelings on those days, but the vast majority of your “good” days were days you shared with other people. Be it riding with your buddy from back home, meeting up with readers, staying a couple days with family members, riding with your dad, or catching up with your lifelong friends in WA, you seemed to do better on those days. Something to look at and give some thought too. I can’t imagine that any of these people wouldn’t be happy to see/hear from you more often. Just an observation from a random person on the internet, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

    You’re in my thoughts brother.

    Jamie

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    1. Jamie, I really appreciate you reading my blog and definitely appreciate the feedback. I agree that my best days were some I spent with others. The issue I have now is that it’s really easy so socially isolate myself. I am not out on a motorcycle, far from home and so I am not forced to interact with others. The more I stay home…the more I stay home. Does that make any sense? I still try to find things I’m comfortable doing out with others but there is no way that happens every day. Anyway. Thanks again.

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      1. I hope to read many more from you, and perhaps even meet up some day. It makes complete sense about “the more I stay home, the more I stay home”. I’m very introverted and get anxious about social gatherings (especially with people I don’t know/know well). I have found, though, (and you mentioned this in your post about the reunion party in WA), that the anxiety is usually unwarranted, and once you’re there, you enjoy yourself and wished it lasted longer. Of course every gathering is not going to be that way. Hopefully you can push yourself to partake in more socialization with those you are comfortable with if it helps you in the bigger picture. I understand it’s much easier said than done… especially when it’s time to do it.

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