Lost in thought

Nothing in particular, it has just been one of those days.

I’m enjoying my time here at my cousins and I feel very welcome. After yesterdays activities I felt like I needed to take the day “off”. My cousin took her kids to the zoo and I just put my feet up and relaxed.

I did not sleep well last night. After getting back late, I opted not to take my sleeping pill because I thought I was tired enough. At about 3am I was thinking differently. It’s sad when you become so reliant on a sleep aid. In the pills defense, I’m not addicted, I just can’t sleep anyway.

I do have bad dreams, maybe just not what you expect from someone with PTSD. I don’t have flashbacks or relive events. What I do have are recurring dreams of a similar theme. I am usually in a situation where I have to save my family or other people from something violent, it’s never very clear. What is clear is that I have a rifle, the same kind I carried in combat, and the trigger never works. It’s solid and immovable. That part of the dream is so real that whenever I took my actual rifle to the range, I always expected it not to work. I sold it in part because of that. I had bad dreams last night. First time without a pill in forever and in a strange bed. A surefire (get it?) recipe for disaster.

So I took it easy today. I kept things more low key. I needed this. I spent a lot of time thinking about my trip. How far along I am. How far along I’m not. If my expectations are realistic. If I’m staying true to the original idea. If I’m getting anything out of it.

Am I? Honestly am I any better off than a month ago? When I get back home will I be ok? I can tear myself up forever if I let it go. I really had to reign it in at one point. I am my own worst enemy.

The PTSD brain is a slippery slope. One bad thought leads to another and another and pretty soon you’re lost in depression.

I meant for this trip to be big. I needed something daunting, challenging and even overwhelming. I have to force myself to look at a bigger picture. Typically my mind can’t handle that. People will say just take it a piece at a time. That’s all well and good but it just keeps you living in the here and now without any thought to the future. The future is too much for me. That’s why I need to find a way to face it head on. It’s easy to have suicidal thoughts when you only focus on today. I guess, to be honest, I’m screwed either way. The future can be too much as well.

I need to retrain my brain. Not everything has to be terrible or with grave consequences.

I’m keeping my focus, right where it needs to be. I’m doing this.