Time to think today

The weather today was perfect. Blue skies, mid 70’s and no wind. I was mostly in areas without traffic which was surprising with how I actually rode through Buffalo NY.

It was peaceful which is a great time to just relax and think.

Before I get to all of that, I did stop in Palmyra for some Mormon history. First was Joseph Smith’s boyhood home (rebuilt). A nice lady gave me a personal tour.

I then climbed a hill nearby because they all said I had to. Then I got chased down by some “sister missionaries” who wanted to make sure I had a book of mormon on my ride. No thanks. No room.

Then began the much longer than anticipated ride to Niagra Falls. This place was over run with people and I’ll just say it, most of them were from India. I found that interesting. In my neck of the woods all of the tourists are Asian, mostly Chinese.

I parked, walked quickly down to the falls and then walked quickly back. Less than half an hour which was plenty. Yes, I saw a wedding there. Why? It’s also touted as the honeymoon capital of the world. Again, why?

So here’s the deal.

I’ve recently wondered what I’ve done to scare everyone off. I would say that it doesn’t matter but it does. Yes, I’m doing this for me but I do want to get this put there to where it can help. Like I’ve mentioned, I’ve had several people message me saying that my story is resonating with them.

Recently? Not so much.

Which got me thinking and not necessarily in a good way. I thought about the types of people who are following me and why. I have a lot of new people who I don’t know following me, mostly because it’s been shared on a page they follow or they’re a member of a group that has posted my blog address.

It is somewhat a motorcycle blog so I have a lot of people in the community following.

Mostly this is a Human story blog though. I’m not getting the human part of it out there enough.

I also have a lot of family following. They’re family. They have to. Plus it gives them all something to gossip about at Christmas parties.

I have long time friends who are here, following and cheering me on in the comments and in PM’s. That means a lot to me and is really helping to keep me going.

I realized though that not many of my bicycling friends are here. Does that mean that we’re just acquaintances after all?

I’ve posted before about how PTSD makes you question relationships and to cut ties the moment you feel slighted.

I’m trying very hard not to feel that way. I have a whole community of cycling friends who I thought would be invested in my journey. There are a few but those friendships carry on beyond the bike.

I’ve coached for 7 years. I’ve guided for 8. I have very few of those people here.

I want to think I’m being unrealistic. This feels very awkward to write all of this and I don’t want to offend anyone. It really is where my mind goes a lot of the time. Who cares and who doesn’t?

I’ve had a lot of friends who can tell you how fast I can feel slighted and write them off. It’s always my fault and I’m left scrambling to apologize.

I just feel that in this blog, I’m putting more of myself out there than ever before. I’m raw and vulnerable. Isn’t this when friends would at least give you a one line encouragement? I feel that should be expected.

I’d really like feedback on this. Tell me I’m nuts (the VA agrees with you). Or, tell me why you’d be upset as well. Whatever you feel like saying. I just need to hear from you.

I guess I feel lonely.

I am happy though. Odd balance.

Pics from SW New York this evening.

24 thoughts on “Time to think today”

  1. We sat next to you at the Vegas Pad…wish you had mentioned your journey while you were sitting here with us. I’m sure it would have been a very interesting conversation. I wish you the best of luck in your journey. And when you stop in somewhere..open up to the people around you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so sorry I didn’t say much. Today kind of wore me out mentally and it took all of my inner fortitude to just hand out the card. Thanks so much for checking in!

      Like

  2. Were all still here. Most are probably like me, I don’t speak unless I think I have something to add, and I usually don’t think I have anything to add! Didn’t find a barrel eh?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. i cannot tell you that i know how youre feeling. i dont. all i can hope is that the ones who do know are following, and your posts are helping them in some way. that, in turn, should help you by knowing youre helping them. that may or may not make any sense to you. i hope it does. and i hope you keep posting. even though i dont have ptsd, i still follow your posts and read every one as soon as theyre posted.
    db

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m “Dad” so you’re probably putting me in the “have to” category but I look forward to your posts with great anticipation. In fact, I’m in Jackson Hole sipping on a huckleberry lemonade on an afternoon shakedown ride. I’ve walked those sites in Palmyra many times and love it there. Have a great ride tomorrow.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m seriously impressed by your ability to lay it all out for everyone to see. I honestly don’t know if I could contribute to that other than to say you’re kicking its ass.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m still staying closely tuned in. Thanks for sharing your journey. Although we haven’t had the opportunity to be close friends yet, it’s been insightful to get a window into your world.
    Since learning more about you, it’s made me not take for granted the times that you’ve been friendly and kind to me, as I get the sense from your writings that is something that you work at more than most.
    If you’re looking for more feedback, asking for it like you have in this post is a great start. Also, make it safe. Your online personality is very direct, it may cause some (myself included) to be reluctant to chime in.
    Anyway, there’s some advice you didn’t ask for so take it or leave it. In any case keep up the posts because I look forward to the updates.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Jake , you are doing the ride for you, not everyone else. f’em. That said, I think you laying your feelings on the line makes this journey more real. You do what you need to do to work through the issues YOU face. What we think is immaterial. I’m here for the long-run

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Jake- you introduced my family to high school MTB 5 years ago and it is now such a huge part of our lives. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
    I’ve been following your blog religiously since you first posted and love finding out the latest. We are pulling for you and hope this journey brings you everything you hoped for. We also want to send a shout out to your sweetheart Megan for the amazing person that she is.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I love you Jake and love reading your blog. Many days I have to play catch up because of girls camp and other summer craziness. Thank you so much for calling me the other day I truly enjoyed talking to you. It means so much to me that you stopped by our house on your trip.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Happy Saturday. Went out for a couple of hundred mile spin today. Took an adventure out hunting for monuments. (Tour of Honor.com).

    My family is from the Palmyra area so I’m familiar with the Smith Farm and history as well. I remember the out of state cars during the Hill Comorah* celebration. Big celebration with many Mormon/LDS taking that pilgrimage.

    Sounds like your journey is going well. I’ve been following along due to the motorcycle aspect and my own PTSD battles as riding gave me my life back by opening so many doors. It’s therapeutic as they say.

    #ridesafe

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Don’t beat yourself up worrying about what other people are doing or thinking, letting doubt into your head and second guessing yourself will not lead to anything productive. Think happy thoughts, smile more. You have made it this far , more than half way, top off your saddle bags with Buffalo Wings and you’ll have enough road food to get you home. ….they’ll still be hot when you get there. Since you began your trip, the VA has been directed by the President to let Vets seek help at any hospital , hopefully there is less red tape involved and fewer excuses for doctors to use for not showing up to their own appointments.
    I hope you find what you seek, the answer is not out on the road, but you may find it within you while you are out on it. Enjoy the rest of your trip, ride safe.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Hi Jake sounds like not the greatest day ever, hope it gets better. That said if you get tired of riding bikes your always welcome to come ride horses with Megan and me😊 .

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Not sure to hear from me, since we have never met, is of any great help but I have follow this blog the complete time you have been riding. I have identified a lot of the same characteristics in me that you describe of yourself. So thank you as you have help me some what. You most like don’t care about that but just thought is would say it. Stay safe and continue riding and healing. Look forward to reading next post.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I gotta say, thank you for your posts. You doing this for you is what makes the next update worth waiting for.

    It’s easy to say don’t sweat the lack of encouragement but really like you said, this is your journey.

    I’ve posted before saying keep lookin up, tomorrow’s a new day type thing. You have a very open very raw insight of yourself, I am thankful you are willing to share it with complete strangers. The good and the bad. I can identify with some of the things you share and it helps knowing these things aren’t unique to myself. That being said, hearing “Every day can’t be riding the dragon “ can feel shallow coming from someone I don’t know. I assure you it was only meant to level perspective and remind you that though you may not have had the best day, tomorrow has every capability of being the next best day.

    I look forward to your next addition and I hope you realize the impact you have had on this stranger. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Hi,
    Love the posts. Keep following your path. Just because someone isn’t following your blog doe not mean that they don’t care about you and your journey. Everyone has their own crap that they are dealing with but most people don’t put it out there for others to see. They want ev

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Sorry, I cut myself off! Ha

    People want everyone to think they have the perfect life, there’s no such thing.

    Good Luck on your journey. Thank you for sharing.

    Also, thank your wife for being so understanding of your situation!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Just an observation by me. Just because someone doesn’t comment doesn’t mean they’re not following. Nor does it mean they’re not being touched by your blog.

    I’ve subscribed to your blog and enjoy it immensely. But with a busy life, I’m sometimes a couple days behind. I always manage to catch up, though.

    Keep posting and we’ll keep reading, Jake. Safe travels and we’ll keep you in our prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. We’re following!! And because I’m family, and I have too… I’m don’t want to be left out of the Christmas party gossip! What else are we going to say to family we see once a year?! Haha, I’m joking. But seriously, I’ve loved getting to know you on a whole different level. I love your honesty, and admire how much you’ve put yourself out there. My favorite part has been reading how much you love and rely on Megan. You guys make an awesome team. – My kids ask where you’re at almost everyday. I’m not great at looking at it every day, but I look forward to reading each post. We’ll contine to pray for you. Safe travels! We love you!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Hi Jake, I am here. I just don’t say anything. And I just learned to read.
    You are a great friend! Very giving, never wanting anything in return. I hope you will forgive me for being too silent.

    Liked by 1 person

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