Today was a good day. My brother and I were able to spend some quality time together, just the two of us. I can’t remember the last time we ever did that. Maybe this is the first.
I’m the oldest of six brothers and Matt is the third. We had never been that close growing up most likely because the age difference between us was just enough that he was outside my group of friends and young enough to be in the way and yet interested. Being siblings is never easy. Like I’ve said before, I am not much of a family person and so keeping in contact with all of my brothers is tenuous at best. It shouldn’t be. They’re good guys with great families. My nieces and nephews have welcomed me with open arms and made me feel right at home. I’m actually barricading myself in the guest room as I write this because if I leave, they’ll never let me finish. It’s nice to feel welcomed in this way. I wish I could be better at this family stuff. Can you believe that I’m stand offish with family as well? I can be.
I’m rambling a bit.
Matt and I had a good time doing tourist stuff in San Antonio. I warned him before I left that the crowds might get to me. It can manifest in different ways and today it did so as a headache. I get put on edge in large groups. Especially in new areas where I feel a loss of control. We had to cut the day short because of the headache. With TBI’s, if I don’t get meds quick, a headache can turn into a migraine very quickly. It’s hard to explain this to someone who doesn’t deal with it all of the time but my brother was kind.
I hate being 41 and feeling like an invalid.
I feel constrained. Isolated. Even though I can go out and fight the anxiety, it finds ways to fight back.
Is the motorcycle actually helping with this? Well, I’m not stuck at home, laying on the couch and staring at the ceiling. Which I would be perfectly happy doing. So I guess there is that. But does it help with anxiety in public? I can’t say it does. Unless it brings me to places where I’m forcing myself to be in public.
I’ve had a lot of offers of places to stay and people to hook up with for lunch or a drink. That’s all kind and appreciated and I really want to. When it comes down to the wire though, am I really going to take them up on it? It’s so much easier to just quietly ride by. I’m really not sure why I’m writing all of this, other than to just say what’s on my mind.
Anxiety is not cool. I think for me it is one of the hardest parts of my PTSD to get a handle on.
It’s odd to say I need to “get out more” as I’m riding a motorcycle on a two month trip around the country.
Maybe by getting out more, I need to take the plunge and make a
n effort to get off the bike and meet more people.
As long as I don’t get more headaches.