Been thinking about this post all day today. Wondering how I’d put down in words what I’ve been feeling all day. First of all. This is my location as of this exact moment.
I’m in a ridiculously expensive rv park in Heber Utah. I chose this because, originally, I’d planned on heading up to Wyoming right away and this was halfway there. Also, I have 3 brothers and their families in this area and my daughter is here as well although she couldn’t really care less. So that’s where I am. But how did I get here?
Well. Yesterday was the 4th. It was also my last day at home and that wasn’t easy. I was also supposed to have my last therapy appointment yesterday but of course it was canceled due to the holiday (my every 2 week on Monday appointment just happened to be the 4th). So no more therapy. I’m sure I could find a way to keep going but honestly, what’s the point. Megan had asked me to go back but I didn’t realize it was so I’d improve enough for her to divorce me. I had made a lot of improvement and I’d liked my The rapist (yes, I purposely put a space in Therapist, it seems more appropriate). But again, I don’t see a point anymore. So there’s that.
As the day wound down. I sought out my kids to make sure they knew I was leaving in the morning. Nathan could only see me right then so we said our goodbyes. He’s very conscious of what’s going on and is pretty sympathetic. I saw J.D. and Gavin this morning and they gave a quick hug. I don’t think they fully grasp what’s happening in their lives yet. Elle decided to sleep in and couldn’t be roused to say goodbye. Megan actually came by in the evening and gave a quick hug. I guess that makes her feel better. I just saw what 24 years boiled down to. A half-ass hug on the stairs of an RV I’ve bought so that I can leave my family and home after the most important person in my life told me she doesn’t love me anymore and I’m no longer worth her trying or pretending. A hug. Whatever.
This morning I said the few goodbyes and left for the last time as a resident. Next time it will be as an unwanted guest. I took a couple of pictures just as a reminder of my front door view.
The truck and trailer did great on the highway drive north. Better gas mileage than when I came south and this time I’m about 4k lbs heavier. Go figure. I made decent time and really tried not to focus on what I was doing but more on the immediate tasks at hand. My brother Andrew invited me to join his family along with my brother Michael and his kids on their ski boat on Deer Creek Reservoir. I don’t think I’ve been on a ski boat in at least a decade. It was fun tooling around the lake. Jumped in a few times and the water was refreshingly cool. I made it about 90 minutes before I hopped off at the dock and rode my motorcycle back to camp. Which then reminds me that I’m out of order here. I was nervous when I got to my campsite that everything would be askew or destroyed in the trailer. I guess I did ok with my packing because all was well. It took me some extra time to get the motorcycle safely off but I did and was grateful for it.
After the boat ride and a quick bite, I was bored so I took the motorcycle up the canyon towards Strawberry reservoir. Ran out of light quick but not before I was able to get this shot. See the deer that ran across the road?
Which brings me full circle. Sitting here in my uncomfortable chair typing on my phone by a fake fire listening to screaming kids in an overpriced campground at almost ten o’clock at night on day 1 of my banishment. That may not be the healthiest way to look at this but right now I don’t care.
PTSD and a Motorcycle 