It means I have things to do. Even if they are things I want to do. Events on the calendar bring anxiety because of expectations. Or even just the idea that something is expected of me.
I sat here pre-planning the next few months. Finding campsites seems like a full-time job these days. When I was done, my calendar just floored me. All of the thoughts and feelings I don’t want to be having. I’m on my own and this is my future. Not sure why I’m sharing this but it wasn’t the day I wanted. None of these days are. Even if it’s a good day on the calendar. Each day, each event is a step farther from what I always wanted.
I guess the good news is that tomorrow morning I am flying to Sacramento to pick up my new motorcycle. Seems like something I should be looking forward to. It is, and isn’t. I would give it all up in an instant to go back to the status quo. A status quo that no longer exists or wants me.