PTSD and a Motorcycle

Sorry about not posting yesterday. I have very sketchy internet access in this part of the world.

I’m currently sitting at a small breakfast joint in Franklin North Carolina. I’ve learned to do a quick ride around downtown an look for all of the cars. That means the locals eat there and it can’t be bad.

I left my brothers house yesterday morning at about 9:30am. They call that area the Low Country. Other than trees lining the road and the occasional small town, it was a pretty uneventful ride. I took some obscure back roads all day and so my top speed was never over 60mph. It took me forever to get anywhere, or at least it felt like it. It was beautiful, don’t get me wrong, and I was enjoying myself, it just looked and felt like every other road I’ve been on since Oklahoma. I guess that’s not fair. I just needed a change up of scenery.

I made it to Anderson South Carolina and went over to the Harley dealer to pick up a chip. And of course, they were closed. Just my luck though, they were doing inventory and let me go in to grab one. It’s the little things that matter.

After Anderson, I crossed into North Carolina and things started looking up, literally. The roads started climbing and winding. I even crossed the Eastern Continental Divide twice. I had to call my brother to rub it in a little. It’s obvious that this area is a vacation destination for the rich. I can’t blame them. This is the first area I’ve seen this trip that I thought I could justify moving to.

After the highest town of Highland (go figure) I began descending. 4 miles later I found a beautiful little forest service campground. It was only 6pm but my butt needed a break. I’d only done 370 miles but at slow speeds, that was a big day. As I was setting up camp, two different campers approached me to let me know that a big bear had been seen in the area, going through the dumpster. Oh well. I set up anyway. With time to kill and being hungry, I went back up the hill to Highland for dinner. Not a cheap place to eat anywhere, or that was open. I think I blew my food budget wide open.

Back at camp I made sure everything was buttoned up right and covered in the likely event of rain (I had been rained on several times already). I slept decently well and never heard anything walking around my camp site.

By 7:30 I was back on the road and that catches us up to where I am now. I am really looking forward to today’s ride.

Where I stopped for lunch. It’s a lake along the Savannah River corridor.

My wonderful sister-in-law made me a lunch. She packed chocolate covered acai berries. This is what it looked like after 6 hours at 90 degrees. Still yummy. But sticky. I think I can still lick some off my fingers.

Crossing into North Carolina. I also tried to capture the green and the curvy road. Pics can’t do it justice.

Same spot, just looking back into South Carolina and someone ugly got in the way.

An overlook

Same overlook

Bridal Veil Falls outside of Highland.

Looking up from my campsite.

Bear bait.

Yes, it’s Fathers day. That makes it a lot harder of course. This is not the first Fathers day I’ve missed. If I really think about it, I think I’ve missed quite a few. The National Guard has a habit of scheduling the “two week” annual training over Fathers day. Between that and deployments, you’d think I’d be ok with it. It just seems more difficult this time.

I think that’s because this time it’s self inflicted.

It’s days like this that force you to be introspective. Not that I haven’t been doing a ton of that lately. Maybe today more than most.

I’m doing ok and I had a good day. I guess I’m just feeling quiet. Calm. Maybe a little depressed if I’m being honest. I’m glad I’m with family today or it would be overwhelming.

I had a good conversation with my son. He was home alone for the weekend and still called. That meant a lot to me.

The rest of the family was with my wife’s parents and sister in Park City. I got to talk with all of them later. They’re a crazy crew, especially when they’re all trying to talk at the same time.

I even got to talk with my dad for a few minutes.

I hope everyone out there had a good day.

I’m back on the road tomorrow and really looking forward to this next section.

I can’t believe I haven’t written about my routes and my reasoning for why I’m doing where I’m going.

I’ll try to fix that.

A lot of people have asked if I’m trying to make it to every state. The easy answer to that question is no. I really don’t have a desire to do a 50 state trip. While that would be interesting, at my pace, that’d take forever. With that said, I am making an effort to hit as many states as I can, just to say I did, especially if the state is nearby. For instance, I dropped into Missouri for awhile because I was so close and I may do that again for West Virginia, especially since I’ve never been there before.

My basic idea for the original trip was just going around the outside edge of the lower 48. I’m still not being exact with that as I’m not following the border for any reason. I know, it doesn’t make much sense.

I’ve added a few jaunts here and there and really I’m just sticking to the whole idea of No Agenda. I’m going where I want to go. I figure I may never do this again and five years from now I don’t want to look back on this trip and say “I really wish I’d done…” I’m sure that will still happen but I want to have a reason. Or maybe I don’t. I’m sure my route is a head scratcher for a lot of motorcycle enthusiasts. There are bucket list roads out there that I have never heard of and I’m sure I’ll miss. I am trying my best to fit in as many as I can. It has been invaluable to me to have other riders chime in with recommendations. I would have missed so many good roads already without their input. I’m counting on getting so much more. It’s one reason I like posting my upcoming routes. It gives people a chance to look them over and then get back to me.

This next section of the trip I am really looking forward to. I came through a small portion of it in February of this year, in a car. So really I’ve never truly experienced this region before. That, and it has some really famous roads. The Tail of the Dragon, The Blue Ridge Parkway and Skyline Drive. I also want to see the Cumberland gap and experience some of the history in the area. I asked Tim once, if he could only ride his motorcycle in one state for the rest of his life, which would it be? He answered resolutely that it would be North Carolina. Unfortunately I don’t have a lifetime to spend riding these roads so I’ll have to survive on a small sampling.

Getting from Charleston to Anderson is not going to be that exciting. Plus I’m going to feel like I’m going the wrong way and that can mess with your mind a bit. I’m just going to have to stay focused on what comes after that. At that point I’ll be deep in forests and starting to gain elevation. South Carolina will end right as the Smoky Mointains begin. And then the Tail of the Dragon. This road has more motorcycle folklore behind it than any other road, save Route 66. It has something to do with the amount of corners per mile. I’ve heard good and bad things. I’ll keep an open mind.

Into Tennessee. Tim told me the best Harley Davidson dealer is in Marysville. Definitely going to stop there. Then I’ll skirt Knoxville and head towards the Cumberland gap. I’ll even ride into Kentucky for a bit. Then right back down to North Carolina and onto the Blue Ridge Parkway.

It looks like I’ll be on the Parkway for a long time. That’s fine with me. The dotted path is a possible route into West Virginia, just to say I rode there. The Parkway appears to become Skyline drive, which will take me to a parallel latitude with Washington DC. DC is where the last of my family stops will be for a long time. After that I will get really good at camping.

I’ll try to get better at posting up my routes.

On today:

We went to see the Angel Oak. It was named after the Angel family and their plantation. It’s somewhere between 400 and 500 years old and shades over 17,500 square feet. It was stunningly beautiful. Trees are my favorite natural thing and I could admire them forever. This one took my breath away.

Then we went berry picking. Both black and blueberries. There’s something satisfying in a monotonous chore. Identifying ripe ones, braving the thorns and feeling the weight of your basket increase. I have a soft spot in my heart for blackberries. Where I grew up in Issaquah Washington, blackberries grew wild. We would stand at the corner waiting for the school bus, eating the berries until we were full. My mom still makes the best blackberry (or any) pies. Picking with my nieces was especially fun. The humidity though! How do people live in this? I was soaked through and I wasn’t even out an hour. I need my dry heat back.

I need one every now and then.

Not saying I haven’t had peaceful days before but today just felt good.

We took a horse drawn carriage ride around Charleston this morning. Learned some history and saw some neat buildings.

Later I ran some errands with my brother. Now that I think of it, I had a good moment today. My brother was selling a trailer and I went along as a “second”. The guy was a tool and was everything I hate about people. I kept my cool and while being present, I stayed quiet and out of the way. Yes, I had a plan but I didn’t have to implement it. That’s a good day.

I even got a short nap in today. What bliss that little action is. I need to do that more often. Maybe I just need to stop the bike at a park or something and knock one out for about 30 minutes. We’ll see.

I played with my adorable nieces for awhile and still can’t imagine why they like me so much. The littlest one takes me by my finger and leads me all of over the house. She is so cute.

It’s just the simple pleasures today. While that might not be interesting for you all to read about, it’s important for me to document a good day. I need to find a way to have more of them.

Quick note: if you are still reading this blog, will you do me a huge favor and share it to any groups you may find it applicable for? I am reaching people I never thought possible and I feel obligated to find those with PTSD before they become one of the 22.

Thanks.

I’ve mentioned several times how I struggle around people. Groups or individuals, it doesn’t matter. I know I’m not alone in that sentiment but most people don’t look for ways to violently end any encounter. I’ve gotten better at the latter, but I still avoid groups.

Several people reached out to me at the beginning of this trip and told me of their own experiences on similar journeys. One thing they all mentioned was how they loved meeting new people along the way. That made me shudder. Meeting new people was absolutely not one of my goals. Couldn’t I just fix all my issues while remaining in solitary? No? Hmmm.

Well like it or not, while riding a motorcycle is an individual endeavor, you inevitably interact with others. While visiting friends and family and while having my wife with me in New Orleans, I’ve found myself in plenty of crowds. I still won’t say that I’m having fun in crowds or that I suddenly want to go clubbing, but I am getting to where I don’t have my hand on a weapon the whole time. That’s progress. I’m getting more comfortable.

What I am noticing major progress in however is my ability to have a one on one conversation with strangers. Before my PTSD got really bad I was actually a very outgoing, type A person. I wanted to talk with people. That’s part of what makes my recent life so difficult, I know how I used to be and I don’t recognize this new person. I have had several conversations with people the last few weeks. Good conversations that didn’t feel forced or very awkward. I hope I made a good impression. I have a bitchy resting face. If you don’t understand that, check YouTube. My face can scare people off. I used to not care but now I’m trying to smile more. I tried to smile for my driver’s license. That didn’t go as planned.

To be perfectly honest, the biggest thing helping with my personal conversations is this blog. Not what I’m writing exactly but just trying to tell people about it. I feel like I need to share what I’m going through and it will all be for naught if no one reads it. So I talk with people. Sometimes I don’t even tell them about the blog. I just enjoy the conversation and leave it at that.

I’ve had some great feedback here from people I don’t even know. I’ve reached them on some level. I had a mother thank me for being so honest and finally shining a light on what her son was going through. She saw his symptoms in mine and is now finding some understanding.

I feel odd writing this. It feels like I am blowing my own trumpet. I’m definitely not. It’s actually more humbling than anything else.

I guess it all comes down to me being vulnerable, both here and in real life. If you have your guard up constantly, you’ll never get to know anyone. I am learning to take my openness here in the virtual world and applying it to real life.

It’s scary and daunting. I can do this.

Quick trip report:

I left camp this morning at 7:30. Made it about 60 miles and stopped in Monticello Florida for breakfast. Best blueberry pancakes ever.

20 minutes after leaving I had to hurry and don the waterproof gear. Torrents of rain for the next hour. My pants soaked through at the seat and left a rather awkward wet spot. No. I did not pee my pants.

I made it to Savannah Georgia for a late lunch at 2:30. Today was my day for food. I love ribs and have never had better ribs. A very unique sauce that had just the right amount of spice.

I wandered around Savannah for a bit, both on foot and on the bike. I got bored pretty quick. I’m sure someday I’ll kick myself for leaving so soon but I just wasn’t feeling it there.

I took back roads from there to Charleston South Carolina and arrived safely at my brothers house about 7. He has two adorable daughters who for some odd reason think I’m the coolest uncle ever. I’m loving it. Yay for a shower and a bed.

Goodnight.

Tonight I met a couple nice gentlemen. I had been wandering the area on my motorcycle for at least 15 miles and an hours worth of time. I could not find a place to camp anywhere. Finally I found an RV park right on the edge of Ochlockonee Bay (don’t worry, I don’t know how to pronounce it either). They were closed. As I’m standing there trying to figure out what my plan is, two guys drive up, roll down their window and ask if they can help. They had seen my Combat Vets patch and being vets themselves, wanted to help. They confirmed that there was in fact tent camping and if I’d just follow them, they’d show me where.

After I began setting up, one of them walked back over and invited me back to his trailer where they were having dinner and I was welcome to join them. Unbeknownst to me, they had already eaten. He had his wife whip up some pasta and toast and they fixed me up a big plate.

One of the guys had to leave but I sat and chatted with the couple until it got to the point where I was yawning more than talking.

He was a Marine Vietnam vet. He’s been struggling with PTSD his whole life. That, along with depression and isolation. All of the classic crap we all seem to have in common. It was heartbreaking to hear his story and his continuing struggle with the VA. He got out in 1972. It has been 46 years and he still isn’t receiving proper treatment. He’s given up. Not mentally or physically, just on the rest of the world caring enough to help him. He drove a big truck for 43 years and says that driving was a treatment of its own kind. He also rides a 1998 Harley that still “purrs like a kitten” and has provided many miles of therapy. He gets me. I get him. We’ve know each other for a couple of hours and we parted with a hug, as brothers.

As I walked over to the shore to take a final picture I couldn’t help but to think of myself as lucky. My experience was horrible. It felt like it took forever. But the pieces have fallen into place. The VA is paying me my due. I am getting treatment. I have a sense of peace in that there are no loose ends. Compared to this gentlemen, I am so lucky. It could be so much worse. I could be forgotten, trying to fix myself.

He is doing well and he is happy. His wife is amazing and she is his happy place, just like Megan is mine. He would consider himself lucky. I wish him the best. I truly do.

I hadn’t planned or writing a “deep” post today but I want to write the thing that matters most, at this moment.

On a lighter note.

My route today was definitely not a high speed route. It took all day to do about 250 miles. I followed the Gulf Coast of Florida from Pensacola to Navarre, Destin, Panama City and finally to here.

The significance of here? From about this point, I’m going to start heading North. My journey going East has ended. It’s taken about as long as I planned, meaning I had no idea how long it was going to take and I’m happy to be here. Several milestones in my planning for this route have been met and I am very happy with

the results.

I am optimistic for the future and I haven’t been able to say that for a long time.

I’m not. Nor do I plan to be. If you are, reevaluate what you are doing and how you are doing it. It doesn’t matter what has jaded you or what you are jaded about.

I live in the most amazing place. I can brag about it all day. As a matter of fact I do, and to anyone who will listen. As a mtb guide I often spend my day with someone who has come from a long distance, just to see my backyard. The reason why I think about this is because my client will inevitably ask if it ever gets old, if I’m jaded to the amazing red rocks and vistas that surround us. I always give them a resounding no. Granted, I didn’t grow up in the area I currently live and I do run into locals who can’t see past the nose on their face. I never want to get to that point. I can sit on the edge of Gooseberry Mesa and admire the ledges of Zion National Park all day if given the time. It is the most awe inspiring view. Especially at sunset, in a rainstorm. I love seeing it “for the first time” through the eyes of someone who has never seen it before. There are points on the trail that I try to get ahead just so I can stop and look back to see their face as they see the view for the first time. If you have been to the Grand Canyon, I recommend going again, but this time with someone who hasn’t been before, just to see their face and experience it through them. It is very satisfying.

As I’ve traveled on this trip, I’ve seen stunning scenery but rarely been able to share it with anyone. That’s both a good and bad thing. The thing I love the most is that people have wanted to share their local beauty with me. They have not been jaded to it.

I have been guided through Oklahoma by John, who was excited to show me some of his great country roads. Tim came all the way up to Arkansas and Missouri to show me some of his favorite places. What really brought it home for me was spending today with my Cousin. She and her family were so excited to show me their area and the beaches. They went on and on about how they find peace and solitude just by recharging their batteries on the beach. And they do it week after week and it never gets old. I admire that.

If where you live doesn’t amaze you. Move. Do something to change it.

This is one thing I’m good at and I wish I could tell everyone. Love where you are.

P.S. my route for the next few days is in the first pic.

I’m a terrible dad. I dont need comments telling me otherwise because I won’t accept it.

I’ve known this for a long time.

I love my kids. No matter what I write here I don’t want to give anyone the impression that I feel anything other than love.

It’s hard to see other parents in action and not pass judgment on yourself. I am not so naive that I don’t understand that we all have different parenting styles and we have different approaches on how to handle things. As you all know, I spent time at my brothers house and now at my cousins. My brother has five kids and my cousin has six, so neither has small families and their kids are very close in age to mine. I see a lot of similarities in our current life chapters.

I am amazed watching them parent. Mostly their patience and their kindness. Each day I spend with them I see their kids do things that shock me. Not horrible things, not even really bad things. But things that at my house would bring on anger and harsh words. There isn’t a day that goes by where I am not verbally after my kids for something. Yet, the kids in these homes are still parented, they are corrected calmly and talked with, or they are just allowed to be kids.

It makes me twitch a little when I see some things and I half expect to hear a rebuke or correction shouted out from another room, but it never comes and I sit there in silent awe wondering how this works.

I think my kids are happy. I’m not sure. I often catch myself saying no to any inquiry and at least I’ve recognized that and sometimes after the initial no, I call them back and say yes. Why do I just say no all of the time? I’m not trying to save them or keep them from harm. I just say no. For no good reason.

I can’t handle the chaos that kids have a knack for producing and that has everything to do with PTSD. I used to explode and shout and berate. Now I isolate myself so that I can let my kids have fun. I’ve made an effort to go throw a ball or play basketball. Sometimes it only lasts a short while but my kids are thrilled that I’m out there doing something with them. I feel that it’s too little, too late.

I feel horrible for the childhood my kids have experienced. I’m sure they’ll all be in therapy someday with Dad issues. I can’t fix what’s happened and I’m not sure I can fix anything in the future.

A lot of this trip is about being a better dad. It’s one of, if not the top, goal for this trip. I want to be a calm, involved parent.

I’ve mentioned me being a one trick pony with mountain biking. That extends to my parenting as well. I have been heavily involved with youth mountain biking for a very long time. I put a lot into it and it was all for my kids. I guess that makes me a little bit of a better parent but the problem was that I really dropped the ball in other areas. My kids who were mountain biking got all of my focus and my time. I’m lucky in that all of my kids love biking and I’ve never had to force them or even coerce them into doing it. They know I love it and they want to be part of that. Unfortunately the kids at home didn’t get much focus.

I’m changing that this year. I’ve stepped back my level of involvement. My kids are still riding and racing and even my daughter Elle is gungho about it this year. But, I’m going to be there for all of my kids. I want to go camping. I want to go boating. I want to go see amazing things with them and teach them about the world.

And I want to do it with patience and kindness.

That’s a tall order. I possess neither of those traits. Not yet. Can I relax and reset enough on this trip to teach myself to be a better parent? I want to try.

This is one of the hardest things I’ve written about here. Who writes a blog about how much of a crappy parent they are?

This needs to be said for me though. I need to be able to look back or reflect back on these thoughts and really focus, really make them happen.

This is a big deal. I don’t feel strong enough to pull it off. How exactly does one change their parenting style? My oldest just graduated from high school and it made me realize I have no more chances with him. He is who he is and I am a terrible memory for him. I can never fix that child/father relationship. Sure, I can change what we have now, but we’ll never get this time back. Fortunately he’s a good, smart man and he will do well. No thanks to me.

I cannot allow that to happen with my other kids. I’m running out of time.

So to my kids. I am sorry. I have not been there for you in the way a father should be. I have not been a safe place for you, which is one of the most important things a father should be. You could not approach me or talk with me without fear of triggering an angry outburst. You deserve so much better.

I love you so much.

Yep. Today was the day.

While riding back from the Naval Aviation Museum, I got caught in a very good southern thunderstorm. Deluge.

I was smart enough to see it coming and so I’d pulled over to put on the brand new rainsuit. I also put the face shield onto my 3/4 helmet.

It worked very well, minus a few lessons learned. Lesson 1. Make sure the velcro cover over the front zipper is fully closed or the front of your shirt will get soaked. Lesson 2. You cannot wear sunglasses beneath the visor in a monsoon. They will fog up and you can’t see. Lesson 3. Your gloves are going to get soaked. Lesson 4. Your boots will fill with water.

Now that I’ve learned these things, next time will be a better experience. If I’d been camping tonight, I’d be miserable so I’m lucky.

The Naval Aviation Museum was my heaven. So many cool things to geek out over. The Aircraft Carrier Documentary was actually pretty lame and not worth the $8 to see it. The history channel could have done a better job.

I was impressed at the number of significant aircraft on display.

One thing to mention though. In all of the museums I’ve ever been to, I’ve never seen a P-38. Anyone have a line on where I can find one? It’s my favorite. This place did have an Me-262. Super rare. Awesome. I think I touched it.

It’s been so nice to be with my cousins family. She has some really cool kids. We did motorcycle rides for a while tonight. I may have warped them a little bit. They all got off the bike, saying their dad had to get one. I would agree though.

It was hard to see Megan go this afternoon. We had a really good time in NO though and I think we saw everything we wanted to. The days seemed to blend together and I’m kind of glad it was only as long as it was.

We had fun at the tomato festival this morning even though there really wasn’t that much going on.

I dropped Megan off at the airport at 2pm and I was on the road again. It didn’t take me very long to get through the city and soon I was on back roads through the bayou. Apparently that’s some people’s idea of a great place to retire. I assume the fishing is amazing and if that’s what you’re into, you’d be hard pressed to find a better place.

As I was driving up over lake Ponchartrain, a regatta was passing under the bridge. I stopped to take a couple photos.

The drive was interesting. Not too scenic but interesting nonetheless. I even drove past one of the largest military shipyards. I had no idea it was there.

As I was turning out of Mobile Alabama, I saw a sign for Battleship Park and the USS Alabama. Unfortunately I was 30 minutes past closing time so I couldn’t tour the ship itself but it was neat to explore the grounds. Quite a few other vehicles there as well.

My planned campground was another 47 miles away. I checked my distances and my cousins, who I plan to spend the next few days with, was only 51 miles away. I called and asked if I could come a day early. She graciously obliged and so I am on my way. I stopped to give her some more time and then I’ll finish my night there. I’m excited to see her family.

The south has been a great journey so far. It’s a beautiful place and so much more than I expected. And it’s not over yet. So much more to come.